Sunday, November 22, 2009

Mad Lib Email Jokes

[caption id="attachment_108" align="alignleft" width="199" caption="The always inquisitive, governor-quitter Sarah Palin"]The always inquisitive, governor-quitter Sarah Palin[/caption]

A relative of mine forwarded me an e-mail with a joke about Obama. Boring. The prose was weak. The punch line was lacking. So I took some comedic liberties with the joke -- basically making it hilarious -- with only a few small revisions. The replacement words are in red.

Enjoy!

With children talking about Sarah Palin's new book Going Rogue, a teacher asked her sixth grade class how many of them were Palin fans.

Not really knowing what a Palin fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except  for Little BJ.

The teacher asked Little BJ why he has decided to be different. Little BJ said, "Because I'm not a Palin fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a Palin fan?"

BJ said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.

Little BJ answered, "Well, my mom's a Democrat and my dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a MORON and your dad was an IDIOT, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little BJ replied, "That would make me a Palin fan."

***

Pretty great, right?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Save this Poll for Dancing

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="321" caption="Some polls should be left for dancing, even if it's spelled wrong."]Some polls should be left for dancing, even if its spelled wrong.[/caption]

I have a love-hate relationship with polls. I love them because they're so official. A bunch of red-blooded Americans, such as myself, voted on a topic and here are the results. This IS how the country feels.

But recently, USA Today/Gallup released a poll results on the $787 billion stimulus that didn't sit right:
"Just 38% of 1,010 respondents in a new USA TODAY/Gallup poll believe the $787 billion in stimulus spending will "make the economy better" in the long term.

Another 38% expect the plan to leave the economy in worse shape, while 22% believe it will have no effect." Courtesy of the LA Times.



Wing nut villagers brought out pitchforks. It was ugly. I really hate this type of poll. Before I explain, read the nation's largest daily newspaper's take on their survey. USA Today picture is even more grim: (Must. Sensationalize. Everything.)
A USA TODAY/Gallup Poll found 57% of adults say the stimulus package is having no impact on the economy or making it worse. Even more —60% — doubt that the stimulus plan will help the economy in the years ahead, and only 18% say it has done anything to help improve their personal situation.

Sounds doomy. And gloomy.

Here's my problem with this poll. Asking Americans about the stimulus package is the same as asking them about the economy. They are inextricably linked together in the collective psyche of Joe Sixpack, also me.

The problem with asking the public about the effectiveness of the stimulus, a la the economy, is that the economy still sucks right now. Still bleeding jobs, no hiring, etc. Who's going to say everything is working great when things are only status quo — no major improvements, no gold toilets?

Wing nuts are using this as an attack point, but in reality, it doesn't tell the whole story. The stimulus averted us from disaster. But just avoiding complete financial ruin, apparently, isn't good enough. Thankfully, no one knows how bad it would have gotten and no one has to make that comparison. But here we are.

Gripe no. 2: Why would you bother asking the general public (about 1,000 people) about the economy? U.S. economics is complex. It's an international machine with hundreds of thousands of intricate facets and irregularities.

John Q. Public has problems changing the time on his car stereo, let alone deciphering meaning from a three-quarter trillion dollar infusion of capital to stave off the collapse of a delicate financial system. Asking if it worked or not is an oversimplification.

So here we are: Did the stimulus work? Who should we ask for an intelligent answer. Why NOT poll 1,000 economists?

Well, who the hell has time to report facts? Almost no one. Because, honestly, the facts aren't that interesting.

What paper would dare, risking readers, in this terrible economic climate, to write a boring story? God bless the uninteresting U.S. News & World Report for getting the story right:

Mixed, Incomplete Economic Results So Far on Obama’s Stimulus


There are signs of hope, but there’s a way to go



Huh? Oh, sorry. Fell asleep. But that headline and subhead nail it. Whole story done. Essentially, we'll let you know when we KNOW more.

Instead we get polls. Public opinion polls that tell us nothing other than the feeling de jour. Newspapers should use caution when regurgitating survey results, especially when an expert opinion might be more informative for readers.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Whoa! Nellie

The first woman to serve as a governor in the United States was Nellie Tayloe something. She had two last names.

The second one wasn't important.

Anyway. She was elected in 1924.

That's just four years after the United States ratified the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote. That's pretty close to 1917, but I digress.

She took office in 1925 -- a full 50 years before a woman would be elected governor of Conneticut.

Woot! Woot! Suck it, Nutmeggers.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Cannonball!

I think it's time for a Cannonball Run remake. Or perhaps revisioning.

Considering Dom Delouise' recent passing, I think the timing is right.

The real question is who will portray the amazing comedic duo of Reynolds and Delouise?

Here are my top shelf ideas:

1. Brad Pitt & George Clooney
2. Horatio Sans & Chris Katan (sp)
3. Jack Black & The Rock

WTF, America?

We have a serious lack of funny chubby dudes and hunky sports types.

Give me your best Cannonball Run replacements in the comments.