Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Nondescript Apology by Tiger Woods

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Tiger preparing to put his balls somewhere."]Tiger preparing to put his balls somewhere.[/caption]

"Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions," Tiger Woods says in a press release posted at his personal Web site.

Oh, Tiger. You just don't get it.

He may have mastered the art of reading a 60-foot put (with help from performance-enhancing Eagle Eye vision surgery) but he doesn't know jack about public relations or celebrity media.

You cheated once twice (that we know of), that's given. It's fact. It was printed by The Enquirer.

Next step is to come out squarely denying or 'fess up. Full disclosure. This won't go away until TMZ and funny papers run out of angles. And by the sound of the rumors flying around — you've given them plenty of angles. If addressing the situation head on is not your style, than shut your trap and fall off the planet for a few years. 'Cause if you don't think this is going to be brought up at every golf telecast for the next year, I think you're sadly mistaken.

You can't put yourself out there to become the most recognizable face in, let's say, THE WORLD, and expect absolute privacy.

What's even worse is the nondescript, sort-of apology he issued under the title, "Tiger comments on current events." And not one mention of Obama's Afghanistan war strategy! Here are the highlights with my commentary inserted in red:
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. There "transgressions." Nice and tidy. Note the plural leaves plenty of ambiguity. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. No shit, I've seen you off the tees. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. He's trying for a sympathy card here, but it ain't workin'. Billionaire philanderer + hot wife = No sympathy.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. Classic. Hang the messenger. Did I mention, NO ONE FEELS BAD FOR YOU? For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. She beats me, but I'll look like an ass if I say that here. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

This next paragraph is incredibly boring and redundant. Let me sum it up. Why can't I just live a private life in my incredibly exclusive gated neighborhood in my multi-million dollar mansion? But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. He's right about that. I could care less. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Blah, blah, snore.

He would have been better off not saying a thing.

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