Lesbians Elicit Reactionary Response

A school district in Northern Mississippi has decided to call off prom.

Why? Because a lesbian wanted to bring a date to the senior dance.

In this instance it would have been appropriate to ask, "Am I comfortable with this intelligent, young woman going on The View and blasting the sorry state of tolerance and acceptance in Northern Mississippi?"

Joy Behar's eyes light up! Elizabeth Hasselbeck tries to figure out what's going on. And Whoopi grows eyebrows!

This is exactly the story line equation that gets the morning shows and radio pundits all fired up. The controversy is built in! And to top it off the school wrecks prom for EVERYONE!

As my friends in Germany would say: Über bingo!

And now they've made the national news. Countdown to The View appearance in 3, 2, 1...

Cell Phone & Popcorn. Yikes.

This is definitely not a video posted by AT&T or Verizon.


Cell Phones Pop Corn

A long while back when I was in high school and saw the impending cell phone invasion, I resisted.

I had several reasons: the seemingly most outlandish being my fear of contracting a brain tumor from cell phone radiation.

Cell phone industry players have come out hard suggesting this is a myth, and honestly, I don't know where the science stands on this.

But I watch this video and I worry. Not for the corn which will burst into light, white fluffiness, but for my already fluffy brain. I would really prefer it didn't burst.

And from a business perspective, this is not the kind of video you want to see "go viral" if you sit in a corner office in a building that says SPRINT across the side.

If this video continues to spread, I wonder if we'll see a response. May I suggest a collaboration between T-Mobil and Orville Redenbacher? Sounds like it has the pop to be the next big viral video.

Is The Tennessean a Threat to Journalism?

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="440" caption="It's easy to write inflammatory headlines."][/caption]

The headline "Is Islam a threat to America?" jumps off the pages of The Tennessean's Sunday edition.

In the words of president's supposed least favorite Christmas show star Charlie Brown: Good grief!

First: The famous question headline bothers me to no end, specifically when you're reporting on highly flammable subject matter.

Second: The subhead has an opportunity for some semblance of balance, but instead opts for the here's an opinion; here's the denial format. Seen here:

Nashville activists warn churchgoers of violent threats to America; Muslims call campaign unfair

Reading four or five graphs into the story, one can find a decent rebuttal that digs deeper than "no we're not."

Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

The rest of the story goes on to offer some incredibly interesting -- sometimes shocking (local) -- points of view, but I dare say that many people won't keep reading. They'll be happy with the negative opinion they formed from just the headline.

Are Coal-Fueled Power Plants Bad For Our Lungs?

Is The Tennessean a Threat to Journalism?

Is Tiger Woods a Danger to His Children?

Can Sponge Bob Squarepants be Trusted?

All of these headlines plant an opinion in the reader's mind. Rather than opening a reader's mind to various viewpoints, these types of headlines subconsciously, sometimes consciously, force a reader to pick a side immediately by answering "yes" or "no."

Once a reader has an opinion formed, is it necessary to keep reading? Probably not.

The Nondescript Apology by Tiger Woods

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Tiger preparing to put his balls somewhere."][/caption]

"Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions," Tiger Woods says in a press release posted at his personal Web site.

Oh, Tiger. You just don't get it.

He may have mastered the art of reading a 60-foot put (with help from performance-enhancing Eagle Eye vision surgery) but he doesn't know jack about public relations or celebrity media.

You cheated once twice (that we know of), that's given. It's fact. It was printed by The Enquirer.

Next step is to come out squarely denying or 'fess up. Full disclosure. This won't go away until TMZ and funny papers run out of angles. And by the sound of the rumors flying around — you've given them plenty of angles. If addressing the situation head on is not your style, than shut your trap and fall off the planet for a few years. 'Cause if you don't think this is going to be brought up at every golf telecast for the next year, I think you're sadly mistaken.

You can't put yourself out there to become the most recognizable face in, let's say, THE WORLD, and expect absolute privacy.

What's even worse is the nondescript, sort-of apology he issued under the title, "Tiger comments on current events." And not one mention of Obama's Afghanistan war strategy! Here are the highlights with my commentary inserted in red:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. There "transgressions." Nice and tidy. Note the plural leaves plenty of ambiguity. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. No shit, I've seen you off the tees. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. He's trying for a sympathy card here, but it ain't workin'. Billionaire philanderer + hot wife = No sympathy.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. Classic. Hang the messenger. Did I mention, NO ONE FEELS BAD FOR YOU? For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. She beats me, but I'll look like an ass if I say that here. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

This next paragraph is incredibly boring and redundant. Let me sum it up. Why can't I just live a private life in my incredibly exclusive gated neighborhood in my multi-million dollar mansion? But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. He's right about that. I could care less. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Blah, blah, snore.

He would have been better off not saying a thing.

Mad Lib Email Jokes

[caption id="attachment_108" align="alignleft" width="199" caption="The always inquisitive, governor-quitter Sarah Palin"][/caption]

A relative of mine forwarded me an e-mail with a joke about Obama. Boring. The prose was weak. The punch line was lacking. So I took some comedic liberties with the joke -- basically making it hilarious -- with only a few small revisions. The replacement words are in red.

Enjoy!

With children talking about Sarah Palin's new book Going Rogue, a teacher asked her sixth grade class how many of them were Palin fans.

Not really knowing what a Palin fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except  for Little BJ.

The teacher asked Little BJ why he has decided to be different. Little BJ said, "Because I'm not a Palin fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a Palin fan?"

BJ said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.

Little BJ answered, "Well, my mom's a Democrat and my dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a MORON and your dad was an IDIOT, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little BJ replied, "That would make me a Palin fan."

***

Pretty great, right?

Cannonball!

I think it's time for a Cannonball Run remake. Or perhaps revisioning.

Considering Dom Delouise' recent passing, I think the timing is right.

The real question is who will portray the amazing comedic duo of Reynolds and Delouise?

Here are my top shelf ideas:

1. Brad Pitt & George Clooney
2. Horatio Sans & Chris Katan (sp)
3. Jack Black & The Rock

WTF, America?

We have a serious lack of funny chubby dudes and hunky sports types.

Give me your best Cannonball Run replacements in the comments.

Miley's totally public twitter feed: Don't document my life

I found Miley Cyrus' twitter feed ironic today. All the fame and exposure was getting to the Disney starlet and giving her a headache, according to an earlier tweet.

Check it out for yourself:

[caption id="attachment_74" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Miley's twitter feed from today said she wanted privacy, an undocumented life."][/caption]

Isn't twitter a form of documentation? Especially when the whole world sees it?

Here's a tidbit of advice from a former child star (Harvey, Bad Year for Tomatoes, anyone?) for the teen sensation: stop inviting people into your life. Granted Miley has acheived stardom slightly above my own, but I can relate.

The more you put yourself out there, the more people want to engage you. So you've got two options. Slow it down, fewer shows, less twittering, cut out some appearances, etc. But I can understand if that's not appealing because who knows, in a couple years you could end up like McCauley Caulkin, whose movies you've probably never seen, and you're no longer raking in that Mouse money.

So your other option is to do like Prince. Live in the Midwest. Or heck, move back to Franklin, Tenn.

That's also what Dave Chapelle did. At the height of his career, he up and moves to Nowheresville, Ohio.

The downside: Now they both suck at being famous. So that's the price you pay.

Looks like you'll probably just have to deal with the grief, which will probably give you a headache.



Help? Well, I'd start with a nice dip in my gold-plated hot tub. That'd probably make me feel better.

Any suggestions for young Miley?